Nine Swords

24 Αύγουστος 2012

That went strangely differently than I expected.

I painted my apartment—by permission of the landlady; or is the word extortion by?—and made a few other improvements. I also cooked a stew.

Katja seemed at once surprised, pleased, and overwhelmed. Then she took a shower and really looked at the painting I put on that wall.

Φαίνεται ότι είμαι ... έντονη.

Admittedly, if I had considered all possible ways she would react—given what I know of her tendency to react with fear—I should probably have seen this reaction coming. I made her uncomfortable.

I offered to repaint it, but she discouraged this. She mostly pressed me on why I did it.

“Επειδή ήθελα να" φάνηκε ανεπαρκής απάντηση.

In truth, it was Monday that set me down this path. I have already lost once because I took too long. I know realistically that is not why I lost Ελένη. It could have happened at any time that I had been with her. But I could have been with her. Perhaps sooner. I was too cautious.

I do not want to have regrets from being too cautious anymore. In the last month I have thrown my usual caution to the wind even as I told myself to be patient. But now...now that we are together, that we share life with one another, do I want to live with fear?

Δεν είμαι.

Some day, I could lose Katja. Whether to the horrors of this secret world or to the realization that she does not want me after all, it does not matter. If that time comes, I do not want to live with regrets.

13η Σεπτεμβρίου του 2012

I felt as though I had not journaled for a week. It has been three. Life has been busy, much more on the action front than on the personal front. Until last night.

Katja asked me what has changed about me. I used to be so cautious. I spent almost 26 years before I committed myself to a woman.

Και τότε εγώ τη σκότωσε.

I know I have examined a similar question in this journal before. Sometimes I am deeply troubled by the change, sometimes I am not. Today...

Σήμερα, δεν ξέρω.

I 'joked' that I could be trite and say I just had not met her yet. We both knew it would not be true though. The truth, I think, is the death of Ελένη. I should have made my move months earlier.

Εγώ λυπάμαι γι 'αυτό πάρα πολύ. Εγώ θα λυπάμαι για αυτό πάντα.

I could have waited with Katja. Perhaps, should have. We waited longer than she expected, but certainly not as long as I used to. At this point, I can only live in the now with the goal of a better future. Where this will be a mistake will be in failure.

What will I do and who will I be if this relationship does not work? Is that not what I have always guarded against? I do not want Katja to be like so many of the women I saw growing up, broken and scarred by the men they were with. She has already been through that.

Όχι από μένα.

And what if it turns out the other way? What if I have been so wrong and she should betray me? What if I am the broken one, having given a part of myself to her that I can never give again?

Μήπως ήδη δεν έχω δώσει μέρος του εαυτού μου στην Ελένη; Katja δεν μπορεί ποτέ να έχει αυτό το μέρος ....

Δεν ξέρω πώς αισθάνομαι γι 'αυτό.

14η Σεπτεμβρίου του 2012

Αυτή μου αγαπά.

For the first time in our relationship, Katja has said this to me. Amusingly, the first time she chose to express it was by saying Σ 'αγαπώ.

Ακόμα και αν ήταν κάτι σαν «σαγαποα.»

Είναι πιο καλύτερα από σουηδική μου.

I asked her if that was the third word. She told me how Swedish has three words for 'love.' She said, "Yes." I dare not journal what we did after that.

18η Σεπτεμβρίου 2012

Εννέα μήνες.

Today is nine months since my 26th birthday.

Έχει να Ελένη πέθανε εννέα μήνες. Έχω να της σκοτώνε εννέα μήνες....

I came to Kypros because it is the only diocese in which I can observe her memorial. I cannot return to Salonica. Even if I were not in exile, I would certainly run into my parents--or hers!--there. I cannot exactly explain the situation to the local bishop, although who knows what would surprise him in London. So I had to return to Kypros.

Γιατί ο Οσιώτατος Παύλος φαίνεται έκπληκτος να μου δω;

I am still in Kypros, although I told Katja I would be back on Wednesday. With the convenience of Agartha, it is not as though I will have difficulty making it in time. It just does not seem right to mourn one love while the sun is up and to find solace in the arms of another when the sun has gone down.

Not yet at least.

For tonight, I will mourn.

Μόνος.