Nine Swords

August 8, 2012.

Dear Diary.

Wes is confusing me. He says that he only like me as a friend, but still he flirts like crazy. He wanted to see if I "really like Thanasi or just settle for the first best" or something like that. Still, all those insinuations on sex was pretty thinly veiled, although I have a feeling that it was the intention. He does not make it easy for me and I do not feel like I could talk about this with Thanasi. Vilket suger. Even though Thanasi tells me he wants to help Wes I can not forget about his jealousy. I do not want to give him any doubt once more, especially since it unfounded. I do hope Wes has found what he is looking for even though he said by himself that it was to early to say.

Anyhow Wes gave me a new nick name. Kitty Kat. I think it is pretty cute.

En del av mig undrar om han bara försöker få mig i säng, även om jag är en fruktansvärd vän som ens tänker tanken.


Much later.

She has pink hair and called herself Arianna Zu. I will not forget her.

Satkärring.

August 10, 2012.

Dear Diary.

In one way, I am really happy. I just want to open my window and scream out my happiness all over London. Jag har en pojkvän. But the late hour would probably only result tomatoes thrown at me. Or eggs.

He looks at me as if he had won the first price and it's seems as if he is trying everything he can to make me happy. To be honest, that scares the hell out of me. I find myself keep waiting for it all to change, as it always has. I like him so much and I know how that tale use to end.

The last few days I have found myself thinking about Henrik. It scares me. Last night I tried to tell Thanasi, but I could not. I only said that I have had bad experiences. It is so hard because on an pure intellectual level I know it is not my guilt, still I can not help to feel that I brought the situation up on myself, that everything could have been different if I had acted more mature. Om jag involverat honom i mina planer redan från början hade det aldrig hänt.

I keep dreaming about red curtains and a wallpaper with a golden edging.

A big part of me wishes me back to before I got the blessing from Gaia but after I had moved to London. Everything seemed so easy, as if I could do anything. Now I found myself stronger than ever but at the same time more lost than I have ever been. I like my new friends, especially Thanasi and Wes are very dear to me, and the connection in sharing a secret for the rest of the world are bringing us closer. At the same time I found myself feeling distant, as if I did not belong. I do not think that they would be happier if I where not around, I do not found myself that significant. But I feel as if I do not add any qualities to such a wonderful and diverse group of people.

I can feel the presence of autumn in the air. It is cold tonight, only as cold as it gets after you have walked in the afterlife and got back again. I never seems to get used to it.

August 12, 2012.

Dear Diary.

Fredagens melankoli står i skarp kontrast till lördagens lycka.

I had planned on doing some missions in Transylvania but I have to admit it was a slow day. When I arrived a storm passed over and I got stuck at Cucuvea's place. Ever since I was there the first time I had not been able to forgot how she had complained about the lack of proper food, so I had brought with me some freshly baked bread and some stew I made earlier. She was very happy about it and insisted that I would stay for dinner. It felt rude to refuse, although I have to admit I did not eat as much as I usually would. It is so much easier for me to get some proper food and I did not want to waste her, even though it was I who brought it.

It was really nice but I have to admit that I was a bit distracted by the possibility of meet Thanasi later that evening. We had talked about it in text earlier that day.

So I went home, a bit earlier than I usually would have, to shower, eat a light dinner and then text him. We decided that we would meet up and he would take me to his place. Since I had never been there I was pretty nervous. And I have to admit that I chose clothes with care. Jag vill verkligen att han ska uppskatta hur jag ser ut. Before I left my apartment I made sure that I had the reindeer hides with me. It was not so easy to get them aboard the airplane from Sweden, due to the weight, but I do not think I will let him know. He had said that he wanted some and therefore I wanted to give it to him.

His apartment was not very far from Ealdwic, och därför inte långt från mig. But his place was in definitely in a better neighborhood than mine. He does not have many neighbors neiter which probably is nice. When he complained about that his apartment was empty and needed a woman touch he was exaggerating a little bit. It was nice, even though it would be nice to see some decorations and paintings on the walls. Så länge det inte är ett altare till min ära. Det skulle vara oerhört genant. So on the topic, he seemed to be very pleased with the hides.

It was a wonderful evening. We drank tea, talked and made out. As I said, a wonderful evening. I was a bit overwhelmed when he gave me the most unique present ever. Well, at first by the fact that he unannounced gave me presents but more so by what it was. It was two lotus blossoms from Egypt, one of them was real and the other... he told me it was two millennium. I did not know what to say, at first I did not want to accept the gift. It was so much. I do not know, neither decline or to accept the gift felt right but since he insisted I accepted it. Att säga att jag är glad vore en fånig underdrift. Jag saknar ord.

It got late and I started to get tired. I could not conceal my yawns. He asked if I where tired and I said yes. I also told him that I did not wanted to go just yet so it did not matter. Then he offered me to stay for the nigh. Om han hade kunnat höra mitt hjärta slå... Since he had assured me it would not be problem, that he wanted me to stay (yes, he asked me. It was very sweet.) I accepted his offer. I borrowed a sweater from him and went to the bathroom. When I got back he had brought out sheets and blanket. I tried to convince him that I would sleep on the couch but he refused. At least he did not hinder me from lay out the sheets, although it felt as a very cheap price for me to pay to get to sleep in the bed. So I said good night and I went into his bedroom.

Det är ett fantastiskt rum.

A really big four-pouter bed, all the furniture in dark wood and drapes in red. It was so beautiful and the fact that it screamed Thanasi just made it better. Jag är nästan för generad att nämna hur mycket det skrek av mig också. Men bara nästan. If I would have been able to decorate a bedroom however I wanted it would have looked just like that. Well, we said good night and I closed the door and went to bed only to discover it was just as wonderful as it looked. I could hear him leave the bathroom and it was really frustrating being so close and yet so far away. I hated that couch more than anything at that moment. I had already made it really clear to him that I want to take things slow and he really does respect that, but sleeping in different bed... well, me sleeping in his big bed and he on the couch just felt silly. So after perhaps half an hour I went up. I did not really know what to say so I asked him if he would sleep next to me if I would lie to him and tell him I had been dreaming a bad dream. It sure helped. It was wonderful to fall asleep in his arms.

I awoke to the smell of coffee and breakfast on bed. He sure did a wonderful bougatsa.

August 13, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I have no idea what has gotten into me lately. I act like a biploar person.

Yesterday I walked around on small clouds and I saw everything through a pink fog. Håller jag på att bli förälskad? Today... has not been such a good day. I have been in a really bad mood and took it out on poor Wes. We where talking on the phone and I went all emo on him. I do not know why but I did told him about my last relationship. It was never my intension, it just popped out! Perhaps is it because I had been trying to tell Thanasi. And since he now is my boyfriend this topic therefor is harder to talk to him about, due to previous experiences. It's not that I do not trust him, it's more that I do not trust myself.

Anyhow, back to topic. Me being all emo over Wes. I told him that I do not feel like I fit in. He tried to convince me that it was nonsense and that I probably would need a short break, suggested that I would go to Paris with Thanasi for a day or so. Well, not that I would mind spending time with my boyfriend (jag tröttnar inte på att skriva det!) in one of the most romantic cities in the world I told him the truth, that this would only make me miss more work and therefore drifting apart even more. Nine days in Sweden was enough, thank you very much.

Anyhow, I was in Transylvania about to help Zaha with killing of some vampire's. Since I already was on a bad mood I must admit that this was not one of my greatest ideas; I must be a masochist. I am sure that Zaha is competent in her profession but she sure aint very friendly. Or even polite. This combined with the awful weather combined with my incompetence in this mission made me... frustrated.

I went back to London.

I had not been at the Horned God since my encounter with Arianna Zu but it was not as bad as I thought it could have been. I saw this girl order a water and, by accident freeze it when she was about to drink. Of course I helped her. Thereafter I ordered a new water to her, but this time with a straw. We sat down and talked a little bit. She told me her name was amber but that I could call her Mylide, that she was 16 years old and that she moved to London from a templar school in France. I tried to give my school french a go but it was no good. Je suis suédoise. I must been stupid, she started to ask me if I dated someone, and I did not even understood that she was trying to pick me up. She was sixteen, don't blame me! As if you could, you are a diary. Anyhow, when it had become clear, she pretty much told me, it got really awkward atmosphere and she ran off. I stayed for a short while before I left. Just to see a women who was wearing a very short skirt doing push ups right in the street. Well, I do not like to tell people what to do or not but you could see right up under the skirt. Självklart tittade jag, jag är trots allt bara människa. Anyhow, I went up to her and told her that you could see pretty much everything. She stopped, step up towards me, really close and confronted me with if I had looked. Det är vid såna tillfällen jag önskar jag kunde hindra mig själv från att rodna. Then she blew me a kiss and left.

So from vampire hunting, rain and to get ones soul ripped out from the body over and over again, to sixteen year old hitting on me and to see up a girls skirt... right know I am at Anastasias trailer in Shadowy forest. This place has a calming effect on me which feels needed. It has been a strange day...

August 16, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I have told him everything. The story was so heavy on my chest but know I actually let it free. Not as with Wes when I was just... aired it. But I told him. Jag känner mig lättad.

His reaction was... unexpected, torrential and passionate. I am glad that my house still standing, he almost lost the control. Jag känner mig lättad.

He told me what he feels for me. Although I am not sure we put the same meaning in it. For me, it is passionate emotion. For him, it almost seems more as a agreement to be true to each other. So in his way, I guess I do love him. In my way, not yet. Love is hard, Especially when language is a barrier. In English, there in one and only word for it. Love. In Swedish we have three, where älska is the strongest. Jag älskar honom inte. I have not yet experienced that feeling. So, how about kär? Well, I sure think I'm on my way. Förälskad, there is no doubt. Jag känner mig lättad.

He spent the night. Jag känner mig lättad.


A bit later:

What is this is just as it always is? What if he changed his mind? Or he where just playing with my feelings? Oh god I am so stupid, it's going to be SO weird working with him after this, having all those feeling, to have told him all those things and he has just moves on just as everybody else. I going to have to learn how to avoid him...

No, I am not being fair. I'm just kind of freaking out since he has not texted. Of source you should send a text after something like this. Right? Should I text him? But I do not want him to feel crowded. Dammit, I should just have listened to Wes´ advice, the I would never have felt this way right know.

What if he does not contact me? Should I contact him? What if we just ran into each other, should I pretend nothing ever happened? Just act as he where anybody else in the rapier? Hell, he AINT anybody else! I kind of freaking out right know. Why can't he just text me?


A bit later:

I am totally overreacting. Of course he like me! Thanasi is a great guy, he would never have told me all that stuff if he did not mean those. And especially since he knew my history, he would not have done anything like that since that would hurt me. And Thanasi would not hurt me.


A bit later:

Why does he not call?!

August 17, 2012.

Dear Diary.

He did not call, although he did send me a text. Unfortunate I had gone to sleep early in an attempt to leave the angst behind. It did not help, I slept terrible. I did not feel well that day. The day before we made love for the first time. Afterwards he said something rather stupid. Or perhaps I am just stupid who misinterpreted him. Eller letar efter fel för att bli mindre sårad när jag väl hittar dem. It got very emotional and we where not as careful as we should have been.

I payed the price yesterday with a bucket as company. Uppenbarligen blir man ganska sjuk av de där pillerna.

Today I spent my time in Egypt. I had a conversation with Nema on the intercom. Apparently she thinks I am weird for having hope for a better world, for the mankind. I can almost hear my mother voice, sighing and telling me that I am just as naive as my father. Naive and weird. Jag önskar jag kunde säga att de hade fel. Before all of this happened most people saw me as a mature and well-traveled person. Well, they probably still do even though they do not know that I have seen so much more of the world during the last seven month than they will do during a lifetime. A grown up. My 25th birthday is getting closer and I still do not feel as a grown up person. I bite my tong every time I am close to term myself as a girl and I quickly change the word to woman. I am a woman. But if I truly was, why can I not feel like it?

I also talked with Murilo Benicio on the intercom yesterday, also known as ”Toninho”. A Brazilian actor. Murilo got Gaias blessing just two month ago and are still overwhelmed by it. I can only say welcome to the club. At one point when I spoke I got attacked. Afterwards I commented it was only a ghoul. "You probably do not even get scared." was the words I received. Even though I did my best to hide it, it made me sad. How do you explain to anyone how tired you get by being afraid all the time? That you learn to live with it? of course I still get scared by I am to tired to get paralyzed by it. And how do you tell someone that the biggest fear does not lie in physical wounds but in mental and emotional?

As I told Wes the other day I still feel that I do not belong. A part of me want to leave, move to the end of the world and try to forget everything. I know it is not possible.

I am strongly considering on resign to Rapiers. What have I to add?

August 19, 2012.

Dear diary.

I must be stupid to talk about my thoughts on resigning with my boss boyfriend...

Wes give me a tip on a party in Ealdwick park. I went there, with hope on meeting some people, maybe talk a bit with Wes. I miss hanging out with him. Well, it seemed that I really intruded him and his girlfriend so I left, with the words that Thanasi should not keep a gem like me to himself. I did not even bother to give him an answer. I can not see myself as a gem.

I begin to think that something is wrong with me. I used to have so easy to talk to strangers, so easy to get new friends. Now... I just do not know what I shall say. Maybe the problem was those month I pushed all my old friends away, out of fear of telling them to much. That my chosen solitude made me lose one of my strongest traits? Maybe I'm just going through the motions.

I decided to borrow Thanasis spot in Egypt. The cold night, the valley below, the stars above and the silence do calm me.

August 21, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I made a mistake last night. I wish I just could forget about it but I have promised myself to use my diary to imprint my thoughts. But I'm start at the wrong end.

The day started out great. I went to Transylvania to help the locals. I was full of energy and my mood could not become better after Thanasi had joined me. He was so handsome. We where both a bit cold and decided to go to a cabin not far away; It was first when we got closer I realized it was the Morninglight cabin. With Rada and Adrian. I do not like Adrian, he creeps me out. His eyes make me think of Henrik and when he look at me I just want to go hide in a closet. But the thing that bothers me the most is how he is towards Rada. I know those looks, at some point I think I know what she is going through. And I do wish I could help her but my own experiences tells me that one can not accept help before one are willing to help themselves. And that is the case with Rada, she does not want to help herself. Not yet at least.

All the thoughts made me distracted, and at some point I got hit by a laser. I could feel the pain penetrate my body, just for a second. Everything went black and once again my soul got ripped out of my body. It hurts me on such a deeper lever than it does physically. The worst part was that it happened right in front of Thanasi...

I can't imagine how he must have felt. Awful was the term he used but the look on his face... After what happened to Eleni I can not even imagine how it is to see his girlfriend pretty much die, in front of his own eyes. I tried to hide my feelings about it but I have to admit, the feeling when your soul get ripped out of the body, the confusion, the... I got goosebumps just thinking about it.

When he got a text from Jenn we decided to go back to London, take something hot to drink. I think we both needed it. We met Jenn and Wes at a Mocha Loco in London. Thanasi and Jenn went outside to talk, me and Wes stayed inside and started to talk to some Jessica, a girl with short blue-green hair. It was very obvious that she was from out of town and that she not belong to the Templar. I could not keep myself from laughing when she started to talk about how uptight the Templars are. Anyhow. She left and I was alone with Wes.

The whole situation around Wes just makes me so sad. I have tried to reach out but it is not at all as it used to be. Det suger så jävla hårt! Every time we hang out he brings up Thanasi. It's not that I complain about talking about my boyfriend but it is obviously that it makes Wes uncomfortable. So I can not understand why he starts talking about him over and over. "Would not Thanasi take offense?" or "Are you sure that Thanasi don't mind?" are sentence I hear from him every time since I told him I was interested in Thanasi. The only time he did not bring it up was that time he where over to my place for dinner and acted that weird. As a test.

Borde jag känna mig förolämpad för att min vän inte litar på mitt omdömme utan måste utsätta mig för ett test, för att se om mina känslor är på allvar?

I have been bothered by this fact. I do not really know what happened, we talk and everything was cool. A minute later I stood there, screaming at him that he is not a real friend if he can't handle the fact that I got a boyfriend. It was awful. I left and waited for Thanasi outside the coffee shop. We walked over to his place, we talked and it made me feel a bit better. After a while I got a text from Wes when he said he was sorry. We are going to see each other tonight, which feels great.

Anyhow. Back to that mistake.

Me and Thanasi had ordered take away and was waiting for it to be delivered. We where fooling around in the couch, he tried to kiss me, I tried to hinder him when I somehow lost the control. I feel so bad, just writing about it is awful! I do not know how it happened but I touched his hand and gave him a shock.

Just to write the last sentence took me five minutes, I feel so awful about it!

He said it did not do anything, that it only hurt a little, but I saw the look in his eyes. He tried to hide it, tried to make me feel better, to forget about it. I do not deserve such a wonderful man. How could I ever forget about it?

Ever since I started to train, all this with elemental forces is the one thing that almost have come natural to me. It has always been the one thing I have showed most talented in. It has become such a big part of who I am that to imagine a life without it is like to imagine a life without toes on the left foot. I know that it is crazy, a year ago I did not even have this kind of powers. It does not matter, the fact is that I have put some great deal in control it and myself.

To loose control like that, to hurt my boyfriend? I can't help to think that maybe it was just like this for Henrik. He could just not control himself. I despise Henrik. Jag kan inte sätta ord på hur mycket. The fact that I hurt my boyfriend in a similar way that Henrik hurt me... I do not know how I will endure that knowledge...

22 Augusti 2012.

Thanasi sover. Vi har firat hans befodran på Tabula Rasa. Det var lyckat, vet inte riktigt vad jag ska säga om det.

Jag har druckit lite för mycket rödvin...

August 24, 2012.

Dear Diary.

My last post was a bit short. And in Swedish. I know that it is silly that I keep forcing myself to write in English, even though I know I can express myself better in Swedish and that this is only for my own eyes. But it really is a great way to practice on the language so I am going to continue doing that. Last time was an exception. I was not quite sober.

Anyhow. The day after I went up rather early, despite a longing for more sleep. It was hard to leave the warm bed. But I had promised myself to look into a few things in Transylvania so I went there. After a few hours I decided I needed some coffee and headed back to London. I ran into Izumi at Mocha Loco and we had a really nice talk. So nice that we went to Templar club after we had finiched our coffee. I had not planeed on drinking but she wanted something stronger so I took a glass of wine. Again. Snart dags för en ren vecka kanske? Jag har sett för många inom restaurang branchen fastna i ett beroende, även om jag inte arbetar där längre tänker jag inte bli som dom.

Thanasi sent me an text and joined us for a short while before he needed to get back to work. Or hanging a painting... He made me promise to come home to his place later.

After a while Izumi had to leave also and I felt I needed to work a little more so I went back to Transylvania. Why do I feel so dragged to that church? Lägg ner Katja, du vet precis varför... I was a bit confused when I got back to London and decided to pick up some clothes and dinner at my place before I went to Thanasi.

My first impression was that it smelled of incense. The second that the incense had been burned to cover up the smell of paint. Thanasi hade definitivt varit flitig som en myra den dagen. He had painted his apartment. It looked great and I have to admit that I was flattered of the suns he had painted on the kitchen cabinet. He use to call me his midnight sun.

He was in the middle of cooking dinner. It made me so happy! I can't even remember the last time anyone cooked for me, beside my own family, so it meant a lot to me.

But before dinner I took a shower. Somehow he had managed to come by (more likely special order) towels with the same suns who he had painted on the cabinets, and there was two of everything. I tried not to think to much about it, I do spend a lot of time in his apartment and it is convenient to have personal stuff. I was done before dinner was ready so I took a look around.

And I saw the painting.

Ever since I told him that adore are the same word for deify on Swedish he have been joking about making an altar in my honor on one of his walls. So when I saw a painting there it felt rather... relieving. I looked at it and could not help to think about the mountains near my grandparents house where we used to go hiking when I was younger. And then I realized that the painting depicted a midnight sun.

It felt like I got cold water poured over me.

It was to much, it was almost worse than a real altar. Of course it is a beautiful painting but that he hang it on that wall! I really like Thanasi but he is so intense. First time someone was intense in a similar way (maybe not in the same way but at the same level) I found myself trapped in a relationship where I got beaten every time he drank. Vilket var oftare än jag vill tänka på. And that time I told him about my upcoming move to London.

I like Thanasi so much and the thought of breaking up with him is... hurtful. But I have to ask myself, do I just relive my last year in Sweden?