July 7, 2012.

Dear Diary.

It's been a very interesting day. Nine swords had cabal meeting and it was nice to finally see my fellow templars. Afterwards, the Rapiers division had a meeting. I think I can not tell you how embarrassed I was to the fact that I was late for the meeting. It feels so incredibly silly to admit but I was very tired after all the traveling back and forth to Solomon Island so I simply dozed of and forgot the time. Anyway, it feel very positive to have faces to the others in the division, although it will take a long time before I actually recognize or get to know everyone.

When the meeting was over, there were some who lingered for a moment, including myself. Although I did not keep me there long, a guy named Cephas was pretty annoying so I got tired in the end. I am sure he is an asset to the Rapiers but I'm not particularly interested in spending time with him privately, I must admit. But I will weld not judge the dog by the hairs.

After I had left I decided to see if the music store on the corner had one of Loke's records inside. Not so much because I was longing for his music specifically, but I felt for something that could give me a link to Stockholm. Besides, I did not have better plans.

I happened to run into Arcadius from the Rapiers division which was very nice. We chatted for a bit about music, about our current situations and the event who had led up to it and about hobbies. When he heard that I am a chef he thought I'd invite him to dinner some day and why not? After some talking he needed to catch his bus. I was not particularly surprised to not find the record I where looking for. Since I still had and time to kill I decided to go for a beer at Tabula rasa, which I had heard so much about.

Once there, I happened to run across a few others from the Rapiers. I guess most people decided to stay in London that day. It is at these kinds of occasions, I hate how bad I am at remembering names. At least I catch their first names and code names. Xeeyon who is the leader for us in the division, was there. Her real name is Izumi. Conlan, or Kotts as he is called, was also there and so was Thanasi, also known as Didaskalos. I know I'm not always really good at seeing when people are flirting with me, just look at how poor Ekagrah struggled when I lived in India! But I'm pretty sure about the fact that Thanasi flirted with me. And it's not like I complain when the handsome guys in my own age shows me some estimates.

July 17, 2012.

Dear Diary.

It has been an incredibly long day. I decided to go easy out at the beginning of the day, and therefor went to Blue Mountain. The day got significantly better when Thanasi asked if anyone wanted some company. It's not like I would oppose company during my missions, especially not if this will give me something nice to look at during them.

Afterward I went back to Egypt. The vast dunes is certainly fascinating, and would have been much more appealing if they not now and then was replaced by swamps, cliffs filled with enemies and catacombs with ghouls and other things I do not like to think about. I did get company of Torvus and we spent some interesting hours together. Do not ask me how we got into the subject but he argued (to say complaining is probably exaggerating) to the fact that you should not go after the outside of the choice of partner. Of course, I agree that it's whats on the inside that counts, but a person needs to be attracted to their partner, which I told him. He was forced to agree on my arguments that persons you like becomes more attractive only by the fact of your own interest. He said that the only time he received much attention from women have been when they needed help with their computers or homework. I am convinced that there must be a difficult position but he had not even considered how it is on the opposite side. I talked briefly about how it was when I was in school and how hard it was to get someone interested beyond the appearance. If you put these kinds discussions in contrast with our mission, it feels terribly trite but I can not help but think that it is an important question for me personally.

Anyway, Torvus said right out that he had been led to believe that I and Thanasi was an item. I pointed out that I only met Thanasi twice and asked why he got such a notion. If one should trust Torvus perception Thanasi looks at me like a fat kid looks at a cake, to quote Torvus. Should I be flattered or objectified? Anyhow it does not matter ...

Finally we returned to London, and I can not tell you how wonderful I thought it was to get home. Take a long shower and then eat a nice but simple dinner infront of Ghostbusters. I really do appreciate being able to laugh at the ghosts once in a while.

July 18, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I had never had any problem with children. Until today that is. After this mission I will NEVER get children of my own. And if I actually would change my mind, word can not describe how important it would be to give that kid so much love it spurted out of the ears. Not for the kid's sake but for my own. Ghost of children are WAY worst than ghosts from grow up. and children always hate there parents once in a while.

Nu är jag säkert cynisk och när jag lugnat mig ändrar jag kanske åsikt. Jag är övertygad om att rädslan kommer övergå till ilska över hur de jävlarna behandlade barnen. se, det har redan börjat!


July 18, 2012, much later.

The day started out so bad and it got so good... Thanasi and I did some missions in Transylvania. He started out by giving me a new shotgun. It is great! I'm so thankful for it. Anyhow, some of the missions where very hard and after a while we needed a break so we ended up on The Owl and Egale for an ale. We talked for very long, probably more than an hour. During that time he asked me about how I enjoyed Egypt. I told him that me and Wes had done some mission and also had some interesting conversations. He got curious and after a while I told him that Wes had thought me and Thanasi where an item. He got a bit upset and he persuade me to tell him where Wes got that impression from. That did not help and he got very worried about how I felt about it. He said that he rather looked at it as an scholar looked at a piece of precious art or something like that. After a while he seemed to calm down and he promised me to be nice to Wes. I sure hope it was not just big words but I can't imagine Thanasi lying for me. But then again, I'm just a naive girl, as I been told many times.

Volen joined us for a short while before we all needed to split up. I got a text from Minariel, wondering if I wanted to do something so we went to the amusement park in Savage coast. I sure enjoyed how the way the amusement parks used to be; Not haunted and full of zombies.

Later on I went back to Transylvania. Okay, I need to confess something. I actually read all the twilight books and I saw two of the movies (no, I'm not a big fan but at least I know whats the hype is all about.). And I've seen Dracula. The thing is, I have NEVER (!!) understood all this vampire romantic crap. But...

Jag vågar inte ens skriva det på engelska, tänk om någon får tag på min dagbok. Jag gick till kyrkan och jag kan nog inte beskriva min förvåning när den här vampyren går fram till mig, talar med mig. Och med prästen också för den delen, de verkade känna varandra. Hur som helst kände jag hur jag blev darrig på knäna och hur hjärtat började slå snabbare. Det var inte bara för att jag var rädd....

It's so crazy, he looked OLD! Like my grandpa! I am so ashamed to admit it! I think I need to go hide under a blanket or something...

July 19, 2012

Dear Diary.

Last night I where texting with Wes for a bit. Maybe I should have wrote about it in you but I where still a bit distracted of my encounter with the vampire in the church. I was bothered by my reactions about it and decided to go out for some more missions to take my mind of it. And there started the texting. As usual it was nice and definitely more pleasing than the god damn rain and the river I fell into. I did NOT slip. I where standing on a stone and it lost it's grip of the shore. One moment I was up and looking out for ghouls (det var inte alls att jag var distraherad av att skriva ett sms. Sådeså!), the next I was sitting on the bottom of the stream. Luckily it was not so deep and I did not hurt myself. And I dropped my phone on the shore so it did not get drenched like me. I looked like a freakin drowned cat!

Anyhow, Wes where talking so much about sleeping next to the fire at the Owls and Eagle, about the heat and how comfortable he felt. About dry clothes. My apartment i London seemed to be way far away so I decided to do as him. Listening to the crackling of the fire and the storm above ones head sounded wonderful. So I went there and borrowed some of his dry clothes (it was so wonderful to get out of the wet ones. I cant describe it) and a spare sleeping bag (!!). And slept at the fire.

Sounds maybe a bit romantic but I promise, it were not. I had bad dreams. About dead children, their ghosts and blood everywhere. It was awful. Although I went to sleep very late I woke up early, and it where impossible to go back to sleep. So I changed back to my own clothes who thankfully where dry by then, wrote a short thank you on a piece of paper to Wes and then went out in the forests again.

I do not know if I smelled bad (Snälla, snälla, låt det inte varit så illa. Det var tillräckligt illa att Thanasi fick se mig i sådan oordning. För tillfället hade en bild av mig passat som en utmärkt beskrivning i en bok med fraser under "Hej kom och hjälp mig".) but I probably did. At least the werevoles seemed to be attracted to me a LOT (I promise, I do not think that was because I smelled like roses and lilies). Just as I where on my way to pressing further in to Romania I got attacked by a werewolves and his (her?) dogs. Before she died she howled out and got helpt by no less than FIVE others. It did not help my bad mood that day, I tell you that. Nightmares, no coffee and werwolfes. I should just had head right back to London.

Thanasi wanted to meet up and I thought it could be a great way to change my mood. Sadly it felt like a black little private rain cloud above my head and even Thanasi could not make it go away. I where probably not a nice company. The fact that we got lost did not help. After some hours of tracking we finally had explored the last part of the area and I decided to go home, to my shower, to my hairbrush and to my bed.

Det bästa på hela dagen är att den snart är slut.

July 21, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I have to confess that I where annoyed on the werewolves from the day before yesterday so I made it my mission to kill some of them off. At the same time I where helping some tourists to tracking down one of their companions. Sadly the man had been affected by filth. Although it does not matter. The thing that's matter is thay I was accompanied by Wes and that I got texts from Thanasi. He asked if he could join us. It was a silly question, of course he could.

Although, when he met up with us I did notice he gave Wes some upset looking now and then. This sure bothered me but I tried not to think about it. Unfortunately it was way to easy to forget about it; We went to the church.

Jag kunde inte låta bli att se på honom. Hans röst lockar mig och jag får impulser att göra saker jag vet vore väldigt fel. Samtidigt som jag allra helst vill springa åt andra hållet. Det är e väldigt komplicerad känsla.

Thanasi got up to me and gave me a compliment on my choice of clothes. I do not know it it where by the fact that we where in a church or that he did not know the others to hear the compliment but he where whispiring. I did not think much about it at the time, I where just happy to get something else to think about. When I answered I also whispered. We continued our conversation when we left, although I had my mind still there. Wes noticed and it where obvious that he felt left out. He asked if we wanted to be alone and when I said I'm sorry he said that I should not think about it, that he where used to be left out of the loop. I felt so bad, and so guilty! I really like Wes and I do not want to lose him as a friend just because of a mistake. So I once again apologized and asked if I could make it up to him with dinner at my place. We had talked about this before and I did not (and still don't) see any wrong with this. The look on Thanasis face... I would not say devastated, he has way more control than that. But he was really not happy about it.

Soon after that I got a call from my mother. Even though I'm soon going home to Sweden for a short while, it was long since I talked to her and it was nice to hear her voice so I said good bye to Thanasi and Wes. After a while me and my mother hang up and I decided it was time to get home. I can guarantee you, texting and walking at the same time is bad for you. I stumbled on a tree root and sprained my ankle. Not so funny, I'll tel you.

So here I am, Saturday and nothing left to do than reading and watching a movie. Sure, I do enjoy things like that but I have to admit that I'm a bit restless.

July 22, 2012.

Dear Diary.

He gave me a blue flower and he told me he wants me, in my one time. He slept on my couch with my blankets and sheets. They now smell of him. I'm happy.

"A flower picked too soon does not bloom."

July 23, 2012.

Dear Diary.

We have talked a lot about how hard it is to find someone and how extra complicated everything gets when you like us. The list of desired (needed) qualities get's a bit longer. The person needs to be one us, not only in powers but also a Templar. He talked about how women did not find him interesting if it where not talk about assignments, computers or stuff like that and I over and over told him that it was not true. I have to admit, I played with the thought of it would be to be with him. And it would probably had been nice but, I like another person in that way.

I have talked briefly about it with him and he tried to convince me that I could get anyone I ever wanted. That's when I told how unlucky I have been with guys in my past. He gave words on my thoughts about it would be a good thing to become friends with the person before I get involved in something more complicated. He told me all those nice things and I just assumed that he wanted to be friendly. Heck, I even gave him advice how he should ask out a girl if he liked someone but he just told me that he would not like to be risking ask out a friend for the chance of loosing her as a friend. I had no idea that he where referring to me...

He likes me. To quote his text:
"You are a beautiful, desirable woman. Any man who can catch even a small amount of notice from you will naturally want to try to keep others at bay. Its simple."

Of course I'm flattered, he is a great guy and I really like him. As my friend. It hurts me that I may be hurting him just because of my feelings towards another man.

I'm just a blind fool.

July 24, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I have never told anyone that I love them. Yes, friends and family of course but I have never loved another person as a partner. A couple of times I have thought I did, but as soon as it has ended I have realized that the experience I just had was not love. Some of them had the potential to grow to it but they never got that far. Lyckligtvis måste jag säga. Jag har en tendens att falla för idioter.

Today has not been a good day. It's not hard to put to words why, days when I need to maim unidentifiable creatures to succeed with my mission is not the most pleasant things one can do. Even so, it was not the worst part.

How do you put to words the love and hatred I saw? Such strong feelings can not be meant to feel for an eternity and therefore are we humans not meant for an eternal life. Because we do feel. Our feelings are strong, passionate and still so small just because of our fragility. And that is how it is suppose to be. We are born, we live, we feel and we die. As it should be.

But if that is as it should, where are our place in all of this?


July 24, 2012, much later.

Even the darkest night has a sunrise.

August 5, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I am so tired but I cant really relax enough to go to sleep. I got back from Sweden a couple of hours ago. It was good to wash of "the travel dust" but I do not know, I feel restless. Me and Thanasi was talking about maybe see each other although I was a bit insecure how I would feel. I mean, Heathrow during the olymics... Now I wish I just had give him a straight forward yes. I need some relaxing and I really do relax in his company. Probably way to much for my own good. It is hard, to like someone and at the same time be very scared of just those feelings. I have felt this way before and that has never ended in any good. But I cant help myself from just throw myself head first in all of this. I need something normal in my life. He does not only give me normal, he gives me joy.

Jag vill uppleva hur det är att vara kär.

Hm, it is probably way to much to say that I throw myself head first in this. Serious, I have never taking it so slow as I do now. I hate it and at the same time is the pleasure delaying interesting. But it would be nice to know if there actually are anything there. You never know until you have had shared a first kiss.

I feel restless.

August 7, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I went to the Horned God today for buying some dinner when heard very loud music from the top floor. I got curious so I went up to see what it was all about. Apparently they had some kind of party with pretty bad music but everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It's been ages since I partied and a part of me does miss it. When I saw Wes I could not resist to try to join in the fun.

Vilket var kvällens stora misstag,

Wes seemed to be on really good mood and he seemed happy to see me. He was not drunk which made me glad. I have been worried about just that and I have heard such bad rumors about about his well being. Therefore it was joyful to see his happiness. He danced around and was surrounded of people which I have no idea who they are. He introduced me to them but I have to confess that I do not remember any of the names. He asked me if he could buy me a drink or if Thanasi would get upset by this fact. This question did annoy me and I told him that Thanasi does not decide over me. Then I asked for a beer.

I am a fool who did not just leave. Eller snarare över att jag ens gick upp på övervåningen.

I do not know what it was, perhaps it was the music or the drunk people. But I got reminded of Saras birthday party... I could not help it, the angst attacked me like a pack of rabid dogs. I know that my reaction was out of place but I do not know how I could have stopped myself. I excused myself and left. Wes asked me not to go but I had to. I felt like I could not breath.

I went out and sat down in Ealdwick park. It was almost empty of people and fresh air did me some good. I texted Thanasi and that helped also.

I am so afraid. What if all of this is just a repeating of my past? Sometimes I found myself wondering when I will wake up from the fairy tale and see the reality as it is. I really do want to believe that all of this is true but it seems to good to be it. If there is something I (should) have learned from my past is that no one is as good as they seems to be.

Och han verkar vara så fantastisk.

Thanasi told me that his heart is always open for me and that I was always welcome to talk to him if I needed. I do appriciate the thought and I did thank him but I don't know. I have never talked to anybody about all of this and I just want to bury it deep and keep it forgotten. If I drag it out in the light it might become reality again.