Thanasi's Journal

[Didaskalos]

6 Αύγουστος 2012

The paperwork has gone straight to hell.

Και είμαι εντάξει με αυτό.

Katja has returned from Sweden. I confess when I overslept today that I feared I would not get to see her. But she came to me in the Lounge.

Και αυτή με φίλησε.

That was all, but... "Έχω λαχταρούσε εκείνο," αυτή μου είπε.

Για μένα, αυτό είναι μια συγκρατημένη περιγραφή.

I shall never be able to concentrate on paperwork again.

Και είμαι εντάξει με αυτό.

I should probably stop listening to this music if I want to accomplish any work, though. Ah, nevermind...Izumi calls.

[Didaskalos]

7 Αύγουστος 2012

I have created a monster.

Και είμαι εντάξει με αυτό.

I spent the early morning hours having conversation with Izumi over drinks at The Horned God.

Επειδή εκείνο είναι το πώς θα «κυλήσουμε» στη διαίρεση Rapier.

Truthfully, Izumi did not drink quite so hard as the other night when I was leaning the world on her. I, of course, rarely have more than a glass or two. And the Horned God does not have ouzo.

Βάρβαροι!

We discussed our pasts. I surprised her with the revelation that Katja is only the second woman who could charitably be called my girlfriend. “You are either very patient or very selective,” she said.

Κάποιος πρέπει να είναι επιλεκτική, όταν κάποιος είναι τόσο μεγάλη όσο Ι....

Toward the end of our time there, Katja joined us. When Izumi left, Katja revealed to me that she plans to abuse her newfound powers over me.

Και είμαι εντάξει με αυτό.

On a related note, the Swedish word for ‘adore’ is also the Swedish word for ‘deify.’

Έτσι...θα πρέπω να οικοδομήσει ένα θυσιαστήριο τώρα.

Ποτέ δεν φανταζόμουν ότι αυτό ήταν το πώς ξεκίνησε θρησκείες.

[Didaskalos]

8 Αύγουστος 2012

She called me her boyfriend.

Θα φορώ τον τίτλο με τιμή.

I suppose I should be more upset about the evening’s circumstances. A strange pink-haired woman tried to pick Katja’s pocket. Or feel her up.

Δεν είμαι σίγουρος ποια είναι η πιο οδυνηρή.

This pink-haired woman—as if that were not odd enough, but this is London after all—called herself Arianna Zu. She apparently claims to have been found on a boat or some such, has traveled across Asia and Europe yet has difficulty telling apart Sweden, Switzerland, and Poland—almost certainly an American then—and most annoyingly wanted my girlfriend!

Okay, she was not strictly that yet.

It was not until afterward, after we met with Izumi to report the situation, that we made that official.

Είναι αυτό που έχασα στο λύκειο;

Την επόμενη φορά, εγώ θα είμαι ένα αυτός που αλιεύονται »pickpocketing».

[Didaskalos]

12 Αύγουστος 2012

Είμαι ένας κακός άνθρωπος;

I welcomed Katja to my new home for the first time last night. To say that I was nervous would be a gross understatement. I managed to find a place in a much quieter part of town than she had and I have spent most of my money on furnishing it. Still, this was a first for me. At least since

Όχι, δεν θα σκεφτώ για αυτό.

She seemed to like it. We had Olympos Tea and...she spent the night.

I insisted I would sleep on the couch, which was possibly a bit of overkill. I think the bedroom may have overwhelmed her. After I had tried to sleep for half an hour, she came out and asked me, “If I lie and say I had a bad dream, will you come and hold me?”

Δεν μπορούσα να πω «όχι».

She is asleep too, and I confess I feel a little shaky. Have I done wrong? Will she feel discomforted by this when she has had time to think about it? Am I a bad man?

Θέλω να είναι καλό;

I must go make breakfast now. I promised it some time ago.

[Didaskalos]

13 Αύγουστος 2012

Clearly I am good at being bad. Katja spent the night again.

Things went more comfortably this time, I think. I am perhaps not the best evaluator of these interactions.

As though ‘perhaps’ were not an understatement....

Αλλά, γαμώτο! Αισθάνεται καλό να είναι κακό.

I do think I should try to behave better. I am still a child filled with fear even now. Katja knows this, I think. She, more than any other, knows the man behind the mask. I wonder if she knows how much of a boy the man behind the mask is?

Θα τέτοια γνώση αλλάξει τη γνώμη της για μένα;

[Didaskalos]

15 Αύγουστος 2012

Another night, another meeting with Izumi.

That...does not sound right in the context of previous entries.

Jenn is...misbehaving. We do not know for certain what is going on because the two of us have had to piece things together through various outlets, none of whom seem particularly interested in talking to us on a consistent basis.

Ίσως θα έπρεπα να αλλάξει η κολόνια μου;

She asked Izumi something to the effect of, “If you were trying to open an evil artifact, how would you go about it?”

Και αυτό το πράγμα είναι στο Λονδίνο, νομίζουμε ....

We have agreed that it is time for intervention now. By agreed, I mean ordered. I told Jenn we should have coffee. At her earliest convenience. That means mine.

Now the only question is does she get the iron fist or the velvet glove?

Θα δούμε.

[Didaskalos]

16 Αύγουστος 2012

I may have found a way to distract Katja from how much of a boy I am.

Την έδειξα ανδρισμός μου.

I am a terrible person for writing that. In truth, I think I am a terrible person nonetheless. Katja invited me to her home for dinner last night. What followed was an emotional night.

She made meatballs using lamb, along with potatoes and tzatziki. After dinner and more flirtation, she told me about her last boyfriend. A boy who beat her



I must remember in the future that my cross was made to focus anima; my pen was not.

Και τώρα γράφω με κόκκινο χρώμα.

I had difficulty controlling my emotions after that, such as I have not struggled with since February. I shall not think on it anymore.

Αλλά αν Katja ζητάει ότι εγώ να εκδικηθώ της, αυτό "αγόρι" θα πεθάνει μέσα στην η ημέρα.

The reason she told me that was that she previously was joking that she is loved by werewolves and a’kab. Wanting to comfort her, I said, “And me.”

Ωχ.

I knew immediately that I had moved us off into a very serious topic. In truth, I do not regret what I said. If I did not have such feelings, I would not have been there.

Αλλά η αγάπη δεν είναι μόνο ένα συναίσθημα.

At least not for me it is not. I can no longer talk with my father, but I can still hear his voice advising me. I do not know how he would judge me now. I can only hope I can live up to his teachings.

Εύχομαι θερμά για την αύξηση της διδασκαλίας.

She asked me if I meant it. I did not get to answer before the previous episode. By the time I did, we were already in her bedroom. I am fairly certain my father advised against bedroom confessions.

Και τότε η δυνατή συγκίνηση!

I will not go into detail. Such an experience is one I will carry in my memory forever.

Ας ελπίσουμε ότι, θα ξεχάσω ανόητο ρητό μου.

Even as I write this, I feel so emotionally confused. I need to get a hold of my life. There is a radio show tonight. Perhaps that will help with the energy.

I should text Katja to see if she is awake. She is probably nervous now.

Αυτό το ξέρω ότι μπορώ να κάνω.

[Didaskalos]

18 Αύγουστος 2012

She asked me about Ελένη tonight. Asked if she could ask me about Ελένη actually. I told her she could.

Είναι το φορτίο μου: δεν θα πρέπει να είναι φόρτου της.

In truth, I question it often. Myself. Today is only eight months. Am I so cold? If I could move so dramatically on from Ελένη, what does that say about the things I thought true of me? Am I true? Can I know love?

Μήπως την ηγάπησα;

There is always a part of me that hates who I am. Even when I thought I was good. Now....

Is it myself I should hate? Should I not hate this secret world more? If not for this world, would I have awakened next to Ελένη instead of Katja? And Katja would be working her dream job. Would we all three be happier?

Concilio firmata Dei. God has decreed what will be; what is left to me is to do my duty.

Μήπως όλα αυτά πραγματικά να χαρακτηριστεί ως καθήκον μου;

I do blame this secret world. Not only for Ελένη, but for what it does to us emotionally. I need only look over the things happening in Rapier Division to see it. Within weeks, I am with Katja, Jenn is with Tom, and even Wes has this Bryn woman.

Είμαστε σαν τα παιδιά σχολείο.

While in the moment I am sure we all care for one another, and I hope all our relationships—most particularly mine with Katja—will last. But I cannot help wondering if this secret world has done this to us. Not that Gaia is actively pushing us together, but that we as mere humans given the powers of lesser angels must find some way to cope. Some give themselves to killing, some to drinking and partying, and others to loving.

Έτσι, πολύ ανθρώπινη είμαστε....

[Didaskalos]

21 Αύγουστος 2012

Τι μια άθλια ημέρα!

Honestly, yesterday seemed to be starting off so well only to degenerate fast. I finished my work in Egypt early, and joined Katja in the Carpathians. If one ignores the Soviet-era architecture, the factories that reek of evil, and the legions of vampires, werewolves, specters, and “WTF? Are those vampire trolls?!” it’s actually quite pretty.

....

The missions we found ourselves undertaking were as depressing as any this world has to offer, but we had each other and that helped keep us going.

Και τότε αυτή πέθανε.

Πριν από τα μάτια μου.

When Ελένη died, I was already unconscious. My last thought as I blinked out was that she loved me. It was that thought that brought me back from consciousness. The confirmation of what I had sought for so long, desired so greatly. I wanted to wake up to her.

Ξύπνησα σ 'έναν ιερέα αντ' αυτού.

"Αυτή δεν είναι περισσότερο", είπε ....

To watch Katja die—and so fast!—before my eyes...it awoke similar feelings except for the first time in months—since Ελένη died—I was helpless. I could not lash out at the thing that had killed her because it exploded to do so, injuring me as well. I could not save her.

Δεν θα μπορούσα να την προστατεύσει.

I know she finds it...well, no that is not fair. She does not find it silly that I desire to protect her so. I know this to be true. I saw it on her face when I returned to her outside of the complex. She saw the look on my face and knew the emotions I felt even as I fought to push them aside to think of the experience she had just had.

We are not human—not anymore!—we children of Gaia. Something other resides within us and whether our ends are just or evil it...warps us. Corrupts us.

I have only to think of the great legends of near immortal figures—Nimrod the Hunter, Gilgamesh and Enkidu, Ηρακλής, Αχιλλεύς—and I realize they were not good men. One led the people to rebel against God; another was feared by his people so the pagan gods had to send the other to tame him; Ηρακλής murdered his own children; and Αχιλλεύς...he was never a better man in victory than Εκτώρ was in defeat.

What then shall become of us, the children of Gaia, who cannot know death—or at least cannot know it easily? We who can travel to the afterlife and converse with spirits; who can storm the gates of hell and subdue demons; who can return to the world of the living when we should not be—τι στο διάολο είμαστε;

I am not sure I have an answer. All I can hope to do is to make one, the same one I have always endeavored to make: I am a protector.

I feel I should end this journal here but such was the disaster of this day that I cannot. After the incident in Romania, we agreed to go to London to...put that behind us and for me to meet with Jenn about her recent proclivities.

Γιατί θα μπορούσε αυτή να είναι όχι μόνο ένας δολοφόνος ή κάτι απλό;

Even that started off poorly. Wes was there and he called Katja, ‘Kitty Kat.’ I know the name should not trouble me, I trust her to be true, but I do not trust this man. Not in this matter.

As I spoke with Jenn, she revealed to me that she had actually opened the artifact. In London! And then Tom shot her.

Θα έπρεπε να στοχεύει υψηλότερα.

I confess I had difficulty containing my anger. It did not help that Jenn herself seemed wearily resigned to it, as though I should somehow be comforted that ‘she felt bad.’

To make matters yet worse, it was at that time that I heard Katja and Wes screaming at one another from inside the coffee shop.

Αν έρθει η μέρα που Katja μου ζητά να διαθέσει γι 'αυτόν ... το οποίο καθήκον είναι το πρώτο καθήκον μου;

Ατυχήματα συμβαίνουν, Izumi.

I left Jenn in order to attend to Katja. I did glean from our meeting that the artifact is from hell and we’ll have to go there to learn more about it eventually. That is almost a relief, which is a sad commentary on the state of my life at this point.

Katja’s anger at Wes stemmed from him treating her differently now that she and I are in a relationship.

Εγώ αναφέρω ότι δεν τον εμπιστεύομαι;

I might have an easier time trusting him if he did not blame his actions on my jealousy. That ‘shoe’ I am sure is on its way for my head. Katja will eventually ask me—again—about my jealousy, and I will this time have to explain that I trust her—until such time as she chooses to break my heart; may it never come!—but that I do not trust him.

Θα είναι το καλύτερο συνομιλία ποτέ.

She said she feels lonely. That is not a comfort when she at the same time tells me she is so thankful for me and how much she needs me. I never pretended I could be her all-sufficiency, never wanted to try to be. Not only am I not capable of being so worthy, but that would also be an unhealthy relationship. I knew this setting out.

Perhaps I have been too...clingy? Is that the word? I told her—and these were the hardest words I can remember uttering—that if she needed to leave me, I understood.

Εκείνο δεν ήταν καλά έλαβε.

I suppose on my behalf it was well-received. She told me she did not want to leave me. I told her I was happy with this fact. Her tears were not a soothing balm, but I understood where she came from. She was lonely. I have been all she has lately, and I offered to cure her loneliness by letting her leave me.

It is not the most comforting logic, although I maintain it is sound. Needless to say, I will not press the issue.

After this, we returned to my home. As we were frolicking, she accidentally electrocuted my hand.

Δεν είχα συνειδητοποιήσει ότι έχουμε κινηθεί προς τον πειραματισμό βήμα της σχέσης μας.

In truth, it did not hurt so much. It did make my arm go numb briefly, but I have suffered far worse on a good day since coming to London. The graver damage was to her. She could not seem to stop apologizing despite my reassurances. There is something more to this than a simple accident. After all, ατυχήματα συμβαίνουν.

[Didaskalos]

23 Αύγουστος 2012

Yesterday went better at least.

Katja threw me a little surprise party at Tabula Rasa in celebration of my promotion to Golden Rapier. Jenn, Tom, and Wes were there—Wes only briefly (I do not trust this man). Several others were there, but their names are tequila now.

As usual I did not desire to drink too much. I never have been drunk and I do not intend to start now, not with Katja’s history to bear in mind. I limited myself to two glasses of ouzo and one shot of tequila.

While I am on the topic of Katja’s history, I was right that there was something more to her emotions when she shocked me on Monday evening. She considers herself equal with the cur she used to date who beat her.

....

I had difficulty phrasing my thoughts in such a way as not to seem too overbearing, but that is ridiculous. I understand her train of thought: she accidentally lost control and hurt me; the cur lost control and hurt her. It is there where all similarities cease.

The cur always had a choice to stop drinking. God forbid I should ever do something like that, I would never touch a drop of alcohol again. When Katja first told me, I offered never to drink again.

Αυτή είναι πολύ πιο σημαντικό στο μου από ότι όλα τα ούζο στον κόσμο.

He did not stop. It was not a matter of lack of control, as in Katja’s case. I will not accept that argument. At some point a man—a real man—must make decisions and abide by them. If he cannot, he is not a man.

As for Katja, some wine seemed to do her well in terms of relaxing her more last night. I can accept that for now. Eventually, though, I cannot be comfortable with alcohol being the only doorway to the Katja I know.

I will not dwell on it. Last night was a good night. I think today I will paint.