Dear Diary

[Succubus]

August 27, 2012.

Dear Diary.

Late on Sunday evening Thanasi came to my place. During the weekend he had not only painted his landlady's apartment, as promised, but all the apartments in the building. I had told him, when it was time, he would tell me and I would help me. He insisted that he would not be a nice company. To be honest, I am not sad for that. I had things I needed to think through. I spent my weekend at home, baking, reading and just relaxing. I think it did me good.

He texted me late. Even though I had the need of thinking things through I did miss him a lot, during the weekend so I invited him over. So we drank tea, ate my homemade cookies and talked. It was very needed and I do feel better from all of this.

He told me the story about Eleni. Well, at the end of it he rushed things through. He made it sound as if he really do believe, or feel, as if it was his fault for her death. It hurts me that he feels that way, he have sush a gentle heart and I do not think he is capable to hurt someone he love.

Huh, look at that. That's what you get for just writing and not really think about what you write. Sanningar.

Well, he told me how he had taken things really slow with her and since I do know Thanasi, I am not surprised. 27 and before I kissed him he had only kissed a girl, Eleni, once. He told me about how he never wanted to feel any regret and due to his history, I really can understand that. I can't imagine how I would feel if I walked in his shoes.

This weekend was good for me. I got some feelings sorted out and I know that I have to trust them, not give in for fear.

He makes me happy, and I deserve that.
Om jag säger det tillräckligt många gånger kanske jag också tror på det.

[Succubus]

August 30, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I wonder if it would help if I had been a scholar? If I had done as my father wanted, joined the university and sat hours and hours with my nose in some books about language, history, law or something else.

Earlier I told Izumi about my thoughts of resigning but her reaction honestly made me feel... useful. Nights as tonight's make me wonder, if I am that useful as she seems to think, why am I not involved?

Everyone seems to have special skills and such experience. And what can I do? Of some reason I do not think being able to cook coq au vin will bring something to the team. I have never questioned my choice in profession until I came here. As Sonnac said, I am no special.

[Succubus]

September 3, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I must stop moping around. From today, every time I write in my diary I'm gonna name at least one blessing.

Today's blessing is that Thanasi did not get it on with a succubus or with someone else than me. I knew from before that he had been in hell and when Jen told me in a text that she hoped he was more himself again when I saw him, that hell had affected his taste, I got really scared. Maybe since he tried to text me earlier and stopped in a middle of a sentence. I'm not sure exactly what I thought had happened but one of the picture who flew in my head was Thanasi get it on with Saccharissa, the Succubus I met when I was in hell.

Jag vet att det är fånigt.

Back to businesses, and for real this time. Today's blessing is the warm feeling I have inside. Bad thing has happened but it has not reduced the feeling. I know it's come from that for the first time in a very long time I felt that I actually made a change. I'm referring to the fact that I seem to be able to reach out to Jenn. It makes me glad. Not only for the fact that she is being a teammate, but I think she perhaps could become a good friend if we got to know each other better. I really do like her.

Therefore I can not help to worrying for her. I hope Tom be back home soon.

Today is my birthday. I am now 25 years old. I don't know, perhaps I had thought that halfway to 50 would feel any different but, surprise, it does not. I have not told anyone about it, Thanasi would probably do a big deal of it but I just do not feel like it's the right time. At the moment I am at Moca Loca and "celebrating" with a cup of green tea. Maybe seems small but in this work you need to learn to appreciate the small things.

[Succubus]

September 5, 2012.

Dear Diary.

How can someone honestly think that my gender does not make me fitting to carry a weapon?! Let's pretend for a second that it did, does he honestly think I would been a templar? He just assumes that I'm a naive little girl; He know nothing of who I am or what I have been through. I get angry to think about it so I will not.

Dagen har inte bara varit dålig. Jag fick ett gott skratt också.

Of some reason, do not ask me why, I got a bunch of foiled, lukewarm tacos posted to me in a greasy envelope. Well, I do not know for sure they where meant for me, the envelope was so greasy so it was impossible to see the address. Of course I did not eat them, god know's what's in them and how they had been handled. Anyone crazy enough for posting tacos, and without a note or sender on top of that, is crazy enough to whatever to them. I can't tell exactly what since I'm not crazy enough to post tacos.


Much later.

How do you know if you love someone if you never loved a person in that way before?

[Succubus]

September 13, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I do forget my own promises way to fast. Last entrys blessing was Thanasi and lukewarm tacos. Today is to wake up next to the man you... feel for?

Ännu en gång, hur vet man att man älskar?

The last week has been a bit shaky. The other night I almost stumbled over Jenn in the anima well at Ealdwick park. Well, that is perhaps a bit over exaggeration but it does not matter. She was in chock and on her face I could see the same feeling I feel every time my soul and body rips apart.

She told me that there has been a break in at Edwards, where the box of doom was held (my words, not her) and asked if I had a extra gun on me. We ran to my place, I gave her a rifle and we ran to Edwards.

I still do not know what I should do with all of this. It's still so... over my head.

So at the moment, I shall do nothing. Instead I will make breakfast to my boyfriend and wake him up. I do believe I have a promise to keep.

[Succubus]

September 14, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I said it! And not only that, I actually really do believe that it is the case. How could there be any other explanations to what I feel?

Sahgapoa.

It's probably an awful spelling, even phonetically, but that's how it sounds. I need to look up how to write it. Google translate is my friend.

He is in the shower now. I would have wanted to join him but I do not want to intrude in his private time. Also, I do not have any lean clothes here.

Today's blessings is the fact that I for the first time in my life feel like this.

[Succubus]

September 18, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I slept at Thanasi´s place last night. I feel more and more comfortable here. If my kitchen was here it would be hard to leave the place. And I do believe he feel pretty much the same for me, although things as today makes me wonder. I woke up and he was gone. He had left a note on his pillow and said he has gone to Kypros, of all places!

Jag vet inte riktigt vad jag känner om det här ännu.


Later.

Is this his way to say that he does not want me anymore? I know I am silly but I how much I even try I can not understand why he did not told me he would go away. Maybe he did not know?

I can only hope that this is something similar to when Tom left for a couple of days and could not contact Jenn. At least Thanasi will be home tomorrow.

If it is like that I have done something stupid. I know it's silly but in one of my weak moment I felt very angry at him, for not telling me. Yesterday he told me he like to run his fingers through my hair. So today I cut it shorter. It looks good and I think I like it, I just did it out of wrong reason.

Today´s blessing... this is a hard one. Probably my new friendship with Frank.

[Succubus]

September 19, 2012.

Dear Diary.

Today´s blessing, me and Thanasi talked things through. I probably write more about that later.

I was at a talk-like-a-pirate party at Horned God with Frank, Jenn and Wes. I had a good time up to when Wes got really drunk. I must say I handled it very well, up to when Jenn did something about it, drag the poison out somehow. I was already very tense and as soon as Wes felt better he did some fast movements with his hand. And I freaked.

Jag minns hans ögon. Ju mer han drack, desto mörkare blev de och desto hårdare slog han.

I hope Thanasi will get home soon.

Ångest.

[Succubus]

September 20, 2012.

Dear Diary.

Working for Council of Venice has it's benefits. I have a new "toy". Although I have to say I do prefer my shotgun in front my new rocket launcher (!!).

Anyhow, my contact was very happy with my effort and said that he could probably give me a job with the council if I liked to. It would mean better pay, a more secure environment. And no fieldwork. I am not sure what I think of this yet.

Today´s blessing is new paths through hard work.


Later.

I said I would wrote about Thanasi and the drama around that so I will.

I had a hard time to sleep the night before so I had went up early for work and was in Transylvania when he texted me to tell me he was back. It did not take long time until he realized I was angry at him. He asked me if we could talk. He offered to come to me but I did not think a snowy Transylvania with werewolves nearby would be the best place for such a talk, so I went back too London.

I met him at Mocha Loca and we walked to Darkside. And we talked.

He told me that this Tuesday it was 9 month since Eleni died. The reason he went to Kypros was that he had ritual mourning; Apparently they have that for 9 days, then after 6 month, 9 months and then every year on the anniversary.

Vi har inte rituellt sörjande i Sverige och jag har svårt att relatera till det.

I think the part that hurt me most was when he said he had not said anything about it since it was personal. Jävlar vad den sved. But I have to give him that he told me he heard how awful it was when he spoke it out load.

But how could I blame him for wanting a personal life?

The thing is, no matter what is going to happen I will never be able to take her place. She was his first love. Ens första kärlek är något speciellt; Jag kan inte ens föreställa mig någon ta Thanasis plats. Not only that, she died before they got a fair chance. Their relationship holds no grudges, no anger, no mistakes apart from the fact that he told me he regret that he took it so slow.

How could I ever compete with that? And it's not even as I want to replace her. She has been an important part of the puzzle who is Thanasi, of the man I love. I can not imagine how he would be if it was not for her.

I'm loosing track again.

I told him that we both have pasts we need to deal with and the fact that we decided to be a couple is a promise to help each other. Through good and bad. That's the way I see it at least. No, I may perhaps not be able to share his mourning but at least I would have wanted to know. The fact that he did not told me make me feel as he tried to shut me out. And once again, how can I blame him?

He said he had hoped to found answers when he was there but that he only found more questions. He told me he questioned his involvement in her death and his forced exile from Thessaloniki. It sounded on him that he is not even sure if she is dead.

Of course I will help him look into this. How could I do anything else?

Samtidigt kan jag inte låta bli att undra vad konsekvenserna för vår relation skulle vara om hon faktiskt lever.

How can I be so selfish?

[Succubus]

September 24, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I went to the library again to talk to Mr Gladstone about my werewolf problem. To be honest, I do not like his unprofessional way. When I asked if he had looked into it as he had promised he told me he had forgot and being very busy. I know he tried to hide it but I saw that look he gave the Stuart twins. I do not give a damn about his personal business as long as he does not let them keep him from his work, and this he has clearly show that he do.

I also have talked to Wes. Or talked or talked, texted. According to him, if a pack has my scent they will probably keep attacking me. And as long as I keep killing them, they will have my scent. Which means that if I want this to stop, I need to stop defending myself. Hur sjutton ska jag kunna göra det? If I work in Transylvania I will get attacked, at least that has been the case so far. And if I can't defend myself...

If we just look away from the fact that getting killed is awful, I would not be able to do anything.

Hur fasiken ska man gå vidare utifrån den här informationen?


Much later.

Ελένη Κατραμάδος - Eleni Katramados
Αθανάσιος (Θανάση) Βασιλείου - Athanasios (Thanasi) Vasiliou

I write the names down, just in case I will lose the paper with it. I am going to look into this if possible...