Dear Diary

[Succubus]

September 25, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I have decided to try to get the information about Eleni´s death. Thanasi said he have started to question it and that he want to look into it. I look at him and see how he hesitates, I know he is afraid. What if all this months he have been lived a lie? I do not blame him for procrastinating the research. Although I am afraid that the trail will get to cold if he wait to long. I have thought about looking into it myself and last night I told him about it. I would never have done anything if I think he would considering it prying in is personal life, but now he just asked me to tell him anything I found out. I take this as an approval for me to do this.

I have started to check both their names on Facebook. His page was private so I could not find her name there but I found out he was listed as a student at Aristotle University in Thessaloniki. I looked her up, found a few but only two of them was at the appropriate age. Since I do not think that she is lesbian I picked the one who worked at Mr. Jones Café.

Since I do not want to get any problems in the future, I mean what ifshe was alive and started to look me up? So I created a google account as Helena Björklind. It's my middle name and my mother´s last name so I think it´s close enough.

Anyhow I have sent the café an e-mail, said that I tried to find an old friend and I knew she worked at the café. We'll see if they can give me anything.

I also tried to look up the church she belonged to. Thanasi said that they should have had a memorial service so her name should at least be "on their lists" so to speak. I do not want to ask Thanasi for to much information, I do not want to pour salt in the wounds. But this do make things a lot harder, especially since I do not even know what the church is called. But I googled and The Church of Agios (Saint) Dimitrios is close both to the school and to Mr. Jones café so I will try to start there. I have not yet find an e-mail so I am going to try to call them. We'll see how that will work out, I just hope they speak English.


Later.

I actually starting to think there is something that is not quite right with all this with Eleni.

I called the church and of course they spoke in Greek. I asked if there was someone I could speak English with and they put me on the phone of another man. He did not introduce himself. I told him my name was Helena Björklind and that I'm trying to track down an old friend. He told me it is a big diocese and that he don't know if he ever will see her again.

My first though was that he maybe did not knew who I was talking about. I mean, if it's a big diocese it's probably many people who visit the church.

I asked him if he could take my email address and give it to her if he would see her but he said he could not. Then he adviced me to ask the school. I told him this was a great advice. Then I realized I never got his name and that could be a good thing to ask for. He mistook my question for who I would ask at the school and told me "Aristotle University is the largest university in the Balkans", and that the therefore did not know.

This proof that he do know who she is. If not, how could he possible know she went to school there?

I told him I meant his name and he said it was Gregory. (I write the name in bold letters so I will found it if I ever look for it.) He gave me no surname, something I found a bit strange.

That's not the only strangest thing. If Eleni was dead there would be no harm in telling me, and there should have been a memorial on the 18th for her, so even a person working at the church who did not know her personally should at least remember that.

Is she actually alive?

[Succubus]

September 26, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I have to admit that I am scared.

When I decided to look into this I never really thought about what the consequences for me could be. I mean, let's say that I found out that Eleni is alive. Even if I could I would never lie to Thanasi about something like that.

If she is alive Thanasi have to make a choice. Me or Eleni.

[Succubus]

September 27, 2012.

Dear Diary.

For the first time in two night's I actually slept. Not very good but it was more than the last nights together. I do not complain. All the credit's go to Thanasi. Last night, he pour me up a hot bath and was convinced to join me. So we sat in candle lights, drank green tea and he gave me a back rub. Even tough we talked about all this with Eleni it made me feel a bit better. I am not yet convinced that he would leave me if she actually is alive but in some ways I feel better. He need a closure and if I am able to help him get that, I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. It sounds awful and if that was the only reason I try to help him it probably would.

But the thing is that I really do love him. It is more important for me that he is happy than that I am the one who makes him happy. And I do not think he fully can be if he do not get a closure to all of this.

There is a third reason. I need to know. If she is alive I need to know that he wants to be with me for me, not as a back up for Eleni. In some way, if I do this I will make a closure for this for myself also. No matter how it goes.

And once again I have forgotten about the blessings. I know it's silly but I actually think it's good for me.

24 September: Cellphones. I'm happy that I have contact with friends I am unable to meet.
25 September: Goggle is my friend.
26 September: Coffee. I had not slept proper in two days. And hot baths, a well needed back rub and to sleep in next to Thanasi.

Today's blessing is Thanasi. Without doubt. I treasure every moment I share with him.

[Succubus]

September 28, 2012.

Dear Diary.

Faith manages.

[Succubus]

September 29, 2012.

Dear Diary.

I know I did not respond as I should when Frank and I talked.

He was sad after being rejected by the girl he think he loves so we talked about it and then moved on to other topics to keep his mind of the bad things. It was so weird, he kept staring at me and it started to feel weird. I asked him about it and he started to talk about how beautiful and stunning he thinks I am.

Okej, att man kan ge någon en komplimang men han använde nog lite väl starka ord...

But okay, you can give friends compliments. To be honest, even though I am not very good on receiving them I have heard a few. But it should be hands off, at least when the other person is not single. No, he did not feel me up or anything like that, but he kept touching my face and hair.

Jag kände mig som ett rådjur i strålkastarljus. Jag visste inte alls hur jag skulle reagera.

It was very awkward and I am so angry on myself that I did not say it. And the worst thing, how would Thanasi respond? I do not want to keep things from him, I actually start think I might be incapable of it but at the same time I do not trust him not to get jealous. And I do not want to loose Frank as a friend, at least if he start respecting personal space. I need to have a talk with him...

Today's blessing is Sonnac who for once sent me a text when I did not mind to get interrupted.

[Succubus]

October 12, 1012.

Dear Diary.

At the moment I am in Salonica, in a hostel. I'm having a little hard to breath, I'm kind of in shock.

I walked to Elenis apartment and no one was there. I talked with an older lady who pointed me in the direction to Mr Jones café. Talked, and talked, I showed her a picture of Eleni and she said something in Greek and I recognized her saying Mr Jones.

So I went there. And met Eleni.

God. I need to get home. Right now. How am I going to tell this to Thanasi? And when I do, are he going to want to leave me for her?

Later:

Me and Thanasi going to Salonica tomorrow, to meet Eleni. He keep asking me to stop worrying but I can not help it. Today´s blessing is definitely the power of baking to at least keep my mind not from going into full panic.

Han fortsätter försäkra mig om att det är mig han vill ha. Ändå kan jag inte låta bli att oroa mig över att jag kommer att förlora honom imorgon.